| "What men daily do not knowing what they do." |
[22 Nov 2008|02:52am] |
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mood |
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 disappointed |
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music |
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The Mamas and the Papas- Dedicated To The One I Love |
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I'm a little buzzed. I could be drunk-ish, but not really. Mostly tired and then drinking. I went out after the show tonight to Big Jim's. Had three drinks and a shot there. I'm drinking here a little. Just thinking.
My mom was supposed to come to the show tonight but it snowed a lot where she lived and she couldn't come. I'm sad b/c every night of the show that ppl came that I knew none of them stayed after to talk to me. And tonight I thought six ppl were coming that I knew and would stay. It turned out only two of them came, and they didn't stay to talk to me either, b/c Suz had to leave to catch a bus. :( It just makes me sad for some reason. I feel like this is the biggest acting part I've ever had and I'm really excited about it and am doing a great job and no one is even coming to see it. Or even cares. I'm really mad my mom couldn't come b/c she doesn't know I dyed my hair black yet and I was gonna let the show surprise her.
Got in a fight with Maria today. Like usual. I feel like what's going on isn't fair to her or me or anyone, but what to do? I suck at relationships. I don't understand them or how to make them work. I think they're just not for me.
I need to make more money. I need another job that pays or a theatre job that pays instead of doing all these shows for free. The day after this one ends I'm starting a new one. I need to have time to write and sell some writing. Or some time to craft and sell my crafts. I feel like I'm being pressured to do all this stuff and I can't handle all of it. Jess' wedding is coming up, not really soon, but I need to start saving for it. Christmas is practically here. I'm okay enough with my life where it is now, but not happy or satisfied. I feel like I need a fresh start.
I started thinking about him tonight. Old him. The other him I think of more often than that. Old him I only think of sparingly now-a-days. Or at least I only think of him with importance sparingly. It's easy to think of him in passing. I thought, god was that really me that happened to? Did that really occur? It seems more like a dream, or a nightmare, and I can't believe I actually did those things. I can't believe that was me there with him so long ago. Six and a half years ago now. I feel like I ate that time like breakfast cereal. Something sugary and bright colored that looks good on the surface or in the box but is really anything but healthy and slowly makes you malnourished and vitamin deficient.
I just finished playing a game on neopets. It's 3AM. I'm so drowsy but not tired. You know? Conan is on TV. Byron is sleeping beside me. I don't know what to do. I feel like crying and I'm not sure it's for any good reason. I'm not sad. I was going to pick sad as my mood, but it's not really true. I saw disappointed and thought that was more like it. Disappointed in me, life, ppl around me, ghosts of my past. What to do? All I can do is what I can do. And what I can do is up to me to do. So it's only my fault if I don't do it, right? I'm just babbling now. I should go to bed.
I thought today would be a good day. It was, at work, for a while. If this were six or seven years ago, Three's Company would be on Nick at Nite right now. Maybe it still is, who knows. I don't get cable. I own six of the eight seasons of it anyway. Been falling asleep to Season Five and Seven and Iron Man lately.
I think I'll go put in Season 5 Disc 2 and let Jack Tripper soothe me to sleep. <3 him.
Goodnight, Cruel World.
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